We won’t lie - this was a tricky blog to write without constantly bursting out into fits of laughter.
If you’re going through a tough time, or simply have had a bit of a rubbish shift, there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to sort you out and put a wide smile on your face - particularly if you work in hospitality.
Ah, the wonderful world of hilarious ‘bad’ TripAdvisor reviews. Whether they’re real or fabricated is always up for debate, but let’s just agree on one thing: they are so funny.
We’re certainly not taking anything away from the less than stellar experiences illustrated by these wonderful little stories, but we’d equally like to share ten of our favourites with you.
“The actors have a Scottish accent”
Now, we’re not sure if this was referring to a Scottish theatre visit or simply a trip to one of Scotland’s many beautiful cities, towns or rural areas.
But whoever made that visit clearly didn’t receive the memo; Scotland probably is going to have lots of Scottish people wherever you go. And their accent is lovely, by the way.
“If buildings could speak…”
Can you picture what a bathroom would look like if it “resembled a dirty cupboard designed by the inventor of Tetris”? The author of this review clearly can and has something of a vivid imagination.
Dodgy bannisters, loose toilets and the need to be a contortionist to use the amenities makes for quite a frightening hotel, doesn’t it?
“Just an overblown sandy ditch”
While this isn’t strictly a hospitality-related TripAdvisor review, we couldn’t ignore it.
Anyone who has visited the Grand Canyon will know how unquestionably breath-taking it is. Curious, then, that this particular reviewer admits they’d rather have stayed in their hotel room and watch a DVD than take in such stunning surroundings.
What the hell is the Grand Canyon, anyway?
“CHEEKY OR WHAT?”
Picture a romantic meal with your better half. Candles, gentle background music, a lovely bottle of wine; sounds perfect, doesn’t it?
That is, until someone spits in your hair. And not anyone - an employee of the restaurant, no less!
This sounds so far-fetched it has to be true. Doesn’t it? But the reaction by this reviewer is poetic (we’re not sure we’d find that kind of behaviour “cheeky”).
“Don’t stay in room 303”
The last thing you want is for the TV in your hotel room to suddenly start changing channels while the kids are trying to watch Tom and Jerry. Add that to a toilet which mysteriously flushes itself and a ghost leaning over your four-year-old son, and it’s no wonder you wouldn’t hang around.
It took just six hours for the ghosts in this particular hotel to scare off the author of this brilliant review.
“It was a bath. An ordinary bath…”
Whoever wrote this review knows a thing or two about marketing - or how to write clickbait headlines, at least.
The review itself doesn’t elaborate any further on the comparison between the hotel’s exterior and one of history’s worst nuclear disasters, but it does tell the story of a disappointing room upgrade, elevators that take “an eternity” to arrive and a “horrendous” breakfast. Which is probably enough.
“I noticed there was something floating in my drink”
Well, that must have been one seriously drunk cockroach.
This reviewer reveals that “chic looks” aren’t necessarily a hallmark of quality. And yes, we agree - imagine what the kitchen must be like if cockroaches randomly fall into people’s drinks at the bar.
“I am getting more upset…”
Two undercooked steaks, no candle, no song and a waiter inexplicably dripping grease onto diner’s plates; doesn’t sound like much of a birthday party, does it?
Indeed, this reviewer is so traumatised by the process of reliving the experience that they freely admit to feeling more upset as their words fall onto the page.
What a rubbish birthday.
“He is ‘Fawlty Towers’ Evil Twin.”
Now, if there’s one person you don’t want to be associated with as a hotelier, it’s Mr Fawlty - let alone his evil twin (did he have one?). Therefore, we can only imagine what it must have felt like to be the owner of the hotel on the receiving end of this particular review.
It’s not exactly glowing, is it? After being refused entry due to a late arrival, our intrepid explorers were threatened with police action and left with no choice but to camp on a park bench in the town’s central square.
Name one thing you’d never expect to experience during a meal at a restaurant.
We can guarantee you wouldn’t think of this. How could you? It’s completely unfathomable and, like so many of the stories in this list, must be true (how could you make it up?!).
Oh, and special mention to use of the term “crop dusted”. That’s a new one on us.
We hope this list has put as big a smile on your face as it has us!